when i said i love you, i meant forever.

finally.

2009-02-20T04:58:00.001-08:00

Not much updated huh? I've been going through a lot these days. Pain and sorrow. I feel like the world's too small for happiness and pain to be fit in together. Yes, i'm sad.

First of all, Derek, the guy I, Larianne crushes on is officially leaving. Not really official. Sorta. Justin told me everything. About the whole scholarship part. I mean, who's stupid enough to turn down that kind of offer right? I get jealous a lot. I'm not even sure if the "fling thing"'s true.

NEXT. I'm confused. Have you every feel like you have to pick between two friends? Well, it's Ria and Paolo. You know the i-won't-talk-to-you-'til-you-say-sorry part right? :| It's like I need to pick one of them. That i can't be friends with both of them.

NEXT. Paolo and Matthew. They've been fighting since a week or two ago. I know Matthew's been this concerned type of friend in the situation. It's just that i kinda get what Paolo's saying. He has been a lot ,like me. He got a grade that's lower than the usual by three. And him not being part of the top three. Yes, grade conscious much huh? Just try to understand, it may not be that understandable 'coz you don't know his everyday life. He's pressured. Studies, friends, life and family. It just sucks whenever i see him lonely. He's been suffering to much. I actually kinda feel guilty about it. I can't even help him.:|

LAST of the First Chapter.. Then sun and the moon's colliding. I'm pressured. There's this friend who has a boyfriend and this boyfriend courts me. Now she's mad. It wasn't my fault if the guy actually did. I don't like this guy anyway 'kay? He's so not my type. Sad you won't listen.

always and forever,
Larianne Hale.

When i told you to believe me, you never did let go.

2009-01-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

I woke up at exactly 4:00. Eager to get to school early. I immediately ate my breakfast, took a bath and got dressed. I waited for my uncle to get up because the driver was sick so i thought it'd be better if he'll take a rest. What a SAINT.:>(cheska. getch mo baa?)

I kept changing the station in the radio looking for a song which i'll be able to relate with.
"i FOUND IT.:!" i shouted. "Selos by SANDWICH".

Of course this was it. Since the 12th of January came. It started and it is a fact the Matthew's part of this Cinderella-who-could-not-still-find-her-happy-ending-story. I was jealous of this girl. She spends too much time with him.

I hate him not her. The way he laughed with her ridiculous jokes. The way he stares at her. The way he comforts her when she's sad. It reminded of how bonded we used to be.

I talked to him already and he told me that the theories that were running on my mind were pure FALSE.

It was 5:45 when i came to school. It was still dark on the portion of the chapel so i decided to wait for the others.

For the millionth time life proved that the bus part of the trip was the best. We were teasing Louie with Carl Santos. We were laughing and laughing.

First stop was the rice cake factor. We saw how the processed started. Paolo and I were beside each other the whole time and yes, we saw how Ria cursed us.

Next was the fish factory. We were gonna have our hands on the fish itself. Callie, Brett and Mariah were being vain. It seems like the factory was a pictorial center. I was having so much time until:

"Larianne, here!" Matthew said, showing me the fish he was holding.
"Shit!" was all i could say.
"Ayiee" The witnesses of the tragedy said in unison.

Then we said "Byebye" to the our little fish friends. Time to go. We were in a hurry. Racing against time. We gave it our best shot. We gave our all. Unfortunately the bakery was closed.

Then we ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and...

-Oh damn forget it.What's the point of telling you guys? I was still affected with the Eric & Larianne's friendship break up. He was the perfect friend. He listened to ever word i said. He knows almost everything about me. He knows what to do to certain situation. I guess its time to face the truth. I miss him more than i've ever imagined.

always and forever,
larianne hale

Tribute to my brother, Paolo.

2009-01-13T04:55:00.000-08:00

***NOTE:

First of all, I wrote this not to make any further scandal about the both of us. We are just friends. PURELY friends. Well, we aren't friends. He's my brother in school and I'm his sister in school. If you effin don't know what's the meaning of brother and sister. Don't worry. I accept the fact that you're an idiot. kidding.:) ]

lets start of way back when i was in preparatory. It was my first day on my new school. There's was this tradition wherein after the assembly proper you need to the special pre-school dance. I can't remember the song title because that was almost a decade ago. But it goes something like :"O belinda. Back to back. O belinda. Turn.. ". On the part of the "back-to-back", you need to go grab your partner and sway together. Since Paolo was my first partner, he was the one i needed to do that freaky action with. I remember him wearing that little drummer boy costume. It was weird. He wasn't little. He was huge for a preschooler.

2nd part was the way back at 2nd grade. We weren't that close. Not even friends. I still remember him being rumored to be dating with Mary. Not really dating. Crush crush thing maybe.

I haven't heard of anything about him until 5th grade. This was the year when he found love. But unfortunately destiny didn't approve of it. It ended with him having no choice but to let go. The girl liked him though. They were just not sure if it was it since they were kinda young.

Another year needed to pass until we were finally in the same classroom and at the same time.

I don't know how things really happened. It just ended with me and him being fake siblings. We would talk and talk and talk all day if we had too. We should do our "secret hand shake", which everyone knows, when there's something nice we together did. Being close with him wasn't that smooth. There were some rumors that we were together.

Hell NO!, we aren't together. I think for them, seeing a boy and a girl being so close and telling they're only friends, is pure fantasy.

I tried to fix thinks. By applying the border line. It was my mission to not talk to him at least for a day. I couldn't stand it anymore. He looked sad. I wasn't quite sure if i was part of the misery. So congrats he did it. He persuade me to talk to him again without actually saying anything.

As of the moment, we are still what we were yesterday. Siblings. We don't care if they'll gossip about us and say: "Hey. Is Larianne and Paolo together?" and he/she will reply "Yea. They hold hands.". FYI. That isn't that. It's a hand shake LOSERS. Find a friend and make one. Just don't copy ours. okay sweetie?

**

Paolo:]
-About the issues.If they can't accept the fact that were just friends, let them be. As long as we're still not crossing the line simply don't mind them OK? I need to talk to you. It's because I've a line up of problems and i think your the only one who'll understand me. We had were on the same situation remember? I told you about JAMES already. By the way I decided to give him another chance. thanks for being there for me always. For being the perfect listener, perfect friend and bro. I want you to know that I'll always be right here. Lets try not to listen to whatever they say.Just take care always. :)

The friendship remains the same

2009-01-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

I woke pretty early today. I went straight to the computer. I was suppose to watch ROMEO & JULIET for the 2 time in my life. But then by the half, I couldn't take the boredom anymore. I know what was going to happen.

It'll end up with The Friar helping Juliet to fake her death to escape the Wedding with David Paris. Then Romeo bought a bottle of poison thinking it was actually true. He walks toward the body of the "DEAD" Juliet and talks to her. Exactly after a second passed since Romeo drank the poison, Juliet's wake up time arrived. She saw Romeo holding the bottle of Poison and quickly stood up and talked to him for the last seconds of his life. Then Romeo dies while Juliet comes after killing herself using a gun.

The first time i watched it, i cried. No kidding.

After realizing that part. I hurried and double clicked the Yahoo Messenger icon. I waited for a couple of Second. Then POP.

Camilla the girl I saw yesterday send me a message.

"Larianne. You completely ignored me yesterday." She complained.
"Sorry. You ignored me first." I defended.
"Ignored you? I kept looking at you"
"Then why didn't you say HI?"
"Because you didn't say HI."
.
"You wanna know the truth?" I asked.
"Truth? What truth?" She was confused.
"I'm Jealous."
"Why are you jealous?"
"Because every time you go to our school you always bond with Micah. Tell me. Was there even a time when you visited our school and left with me by your side.? "
"I don't know."
"You never did."
"Fine. Then it's my fault now huh?"
"It's not like that. It's just that you we never got to bond together."
"I was going to ask you. I was afraid your close friends who was there with you might think my being close to you even if i wasn't."
"Camille. They know you. I always tell stories about you. Fine. I'm sorry. The next time you visit i'll talk to you."
"Ok."

COLDNESS. The word came again. How long does it have to be with me?

I think she was mad at me. It wasn't my fault if i felt that way. But a part of it was my fault.

She was always important to me. Why? Simply because she was the one who was there when the BEST FRIEND-friendship between me and my former best friend Kyla ended. She was the one to tell "Don't worry. I'm still here for you. I'll be your best friend whether you like it or not." part. Whatever happens after that conversation I'll still be her friend. I'll always be there for her. I'll always be thankful for her existence. Too bad she doesn't know how much i love her.

Twist in my story

2009-01-10T03:54:00.000-08:00

I woke fully aware that my Ipod was dead. I was surprised after i realized. It didn't survive the sleeping hours. How i wish i did too.

Okay so.

I won't tell the whole thing. I mean. It was the same: the colds and the ignorance.

I was with Raphael, Mariah and Louie, We were laughing. Laughing with the teacher though. We were on the share-what-you-did-last-Christmas-vacation part. And eventually everything ended. Its freaky Friday. Tomorrow's Saturday. FUN.FUN.FUN

I noticed how Paolo looked like. I was worried.

"Pao. You okay? You seem like you're on a bad mood." I confronted him.
"It's not really the way things worked today.It's just you" he revealed
"Me? What did i do now?"
"You talked to everyone in this whole room except me. I don't know if its just because you don't feel like doing it or it's because you're ignoring me."

I froze. I never thought he'd say things like that. I was determined to explain. So we went down together.

"It's like our friendship's forbidden. We do things that normal close friends do. It's just that I don't know why they keep adding things to it. I won't be surprised if one day when we say "HI" to each other. They'll actually take it as a evidence."
"Oh. I understand. I know how you feel."
"Hmm. sorry for what i did today"
"It's okay."

He moved out. We were beside each other,together for short.

"Hey,. I'll go before someone sees us. They're gonna gossip again."
I smiled.

I was with Mariah, Callie and Brett. Mariah was talking about how she misses Sir Larry when-

"Sir Philip!Sir Philip!" I shouted while i pointed my finger at him.

We ran towards him. I was last. I never had the passion for running.

"Sir. Where are you going?
"Pasig. I need to go home. It's been 2 weeks since i last went there."
"Oh."
"BYE SIR." we shouted. together.
"Bye. Callie. Don't forget about that thing i told you to finish okay?"
She nodded.

We were bored. The bonding we had that moment was the product of destiny. We never had plans. I mean. I think them without me, had one.

"Quickly anyone?" Mariah offered
We agreed.

We went pass the gate. When we came cross Micah's group of friends. They all said 'Hi'. I noticed someone was not in the same outfit as the ones around her. I stopped and looked at her one more time. Okay. Now i know. She was Camilla. Someone who I been talking and sharing secrets to.

We only walked. We wanted to have more bonding moments. We talked about our past and presents. We were having so much fun when we noticed we were already in front of the store we decided to go to. It was full. Full of Second Year students. We decided to wait. Until I saw something.

"Could we go to Lotsa Pizza instead? It just across the street" I asked
They hesitated at first. But then they agreed.

We chose our pizza and beverage. We contributed 50 each. We chatted about Paolo and Matthew and Theodore and Marco and Sir Larry until the pizza came.

"Why isn't the hot sauce hot?" Callie asked.
"Add more." I told her.

We had 2 slices each. After eating my last I felt the hotness the hot sauce brought. I told them about it. They advised me candy. There wasn't candy anywhere. So i decided to wait 'til we find the nearest store. I was suppose to get the money to buy a candy when i felt the hotness disappear. What happened? No idea. It was like magic.

We waited for a Samaritan to come. The tricycle driver came. Finally. Thank God.

Then in a minute we were in school again. Just in time. It was just the dismissal of the others. Callie needed to go already so she did. The Mariah and Brett just watched the varsity of the 5th and 6th graders play their thing. While i watched the sun set.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Home. Well, i had my appetite but i still didn't each much. I went to bed early. I just sat there. Comparing yesterday and today. Big difference huh? I sat there for a couple of minutes.

Then I went to my computer.

I checked if Paolo was online. He was, so I clicked him and chatted with him:

"Pao. you mad?"
"Nope. No harsh feelings?"
"Yeah sure."
"Promise me we'll never fight again."
"Promise. So are you my brother again? Coz if you don't wanna. its okay."
"Their just jealous. because they aren't lucky enough to be my sis. I'm cool with that. You stupid. Why won't i be?"
"Hahaha. You're bester than best."
"Not as bester than you."
We laughed.

I remember i needed to finish a book. I was near to ending it. So i turned off the computer. And grabbed it. After an hour. It was official. 3 down 1 to go. I still don't have the 4th one,. The bookstore said the book may be out by 3rd week of the month. I needed to wait. Then i'll be off to read The Clique.

I went to my bed for the last time for today. I lie down. Thinking of

T A Y L O R D A N I E L L A U T N E R.♥

Then i closed my eyes and tried to imagine how we looked together. Unknowingly I fell asleep. At least i slept with a smile on my face.

Thanks to Mariah,Callie,Brett,Paolo and my boyfriend JACOB BLACK. ü

I'll wave goodbye. tonight.

2009-01-08T03:55:00.000-08:00

This was it. The day i hated. School's back. Christmas vacation was over. Back to normal. I woke up at around 4:30 in the morning. I didn't eat much last night but still i wasn't in the mood for eating at the moment. I waited until 5:15 am. It was the official time for bathing. I kept thinking: should i really go to school- i mean yeah Matthew the guy you- damn. no. Matthew's there. He's the one most reason you don't wanna go to school remember, idiot. Still i had no choice but to attend.

Martin was the first to greet me.

"Hey Larianne!"
"Hi Martin!"
Their was silence between us. The "SILENCE" didn't include the conversation of Patrick, Theodore and Gerard, talking about some weird computer games they were addicted too.
He broke the silence.
"I brought the wallet."
"What wallet?"I was confused. I was curious.Honest.
I asked him to show it. He did. I was shocked. I never thought he'd use it.
You're the best Martin.

We had classes. What a bore. Well not for long. Science class changed my mood. I was talking to Matthew. The guy who i think I'm over with. I don't know why i turned to him. Something whispered he'll be the perfect listener.

We'll it was kinda part of the bore thing. He commented weird things.

&&SILENCE.
-they come so close too often today

"Larianne and Matthew's sitting closed to each other!" Mariah commented.

I didn't reply. What was i suppose to say? It was true. I don't wanna lie.

By that time, I decided to talk to Demi who was alone. Poor her. She was left by her friend,Pauline. I pity her.

We talked about life. To my surprise we were on the same situation.

"There's something missing. It's like you wanna leave and look for it."She'll say.
I nodded.

I noticed the coldness between me,Pauline,Cassandra and Ria. They were together. I felt like i wasn't needed anymore. I ignored them, thinking it was the best thing to do.

Finally.

The day was over. I walked long with Selina. Then we got to chat with Pauline.

"Selina! Let's talk inside the bus." Pauline invited.
"Sure thing Pau! I will if Larianne's gonna sit beside Matthew." she requested.
I rolled my eyes.

So i went and grab Helen's hands.
"Lets buy. My treat."she accepted.
What a lifesaver.

We bought chocolates and water.-Nice way to start the Diet routine.

When we came, I saw Eric with another girl. I'm used to it. I'm honest. He's a flirt. That's for sure. His presence reminded me of misery. How bad the day was to me. But then the voice of the most special devil called my name.

"Hey Larianne! Are you okay?" Matthew asked.
And just like always, my friends who were there teased me. I'm used to it anyway.
I didn't answer. I could just answer him NO! It's like i had no more voice to say "nope. I'm not okay.", even if it was the truth. Sure, i wasn't okay.

I wanted to breakdown. Since the coldness between the four of us. I felt like my existence was the greatest mistake God made. I feel like i was useless. I doubted if my friends really were my friends.

I went home feeling sick. I change my clothes. I didn't eat a lot again. It's not because of the diet thing. I don't know. It's just that i didn't feel like it. I only ate a waffle.

I ran toward the computer to finish our IP project.And i did. With a big help of Martin.

After that I talked to Matthew. He started it anyway.

"Is Paolo online?" I got confused. He could have answered that. He had Paolo's email.
"Nope." Still i answered.
"Thanks for the concern." I said
"I was joking. It was fun though. You fell in through the trap."
"That wasn't funny. There's time for fun and one for seriousness. It's 2 different things."
"I'm sorry. As if you don't do it too"
"Then fine. Sorry."

I told him i wanted to die.

"Why'd you wanna die? You're just being an EMO."
"Of course not. It's kinda hard explaining to someone who can't understand you.I'll explain tomorrow,"
"Sure.Hey gotta go."
"Yeah. okay bye."
"bye."

Then what's left was to do than think of the things that happened today in school while I'm in my bedroom. I was thinking while listening to music. I started to cry. Darn! This can't be. But i realized i had enough reasons to do so. So i continued to do it. I listened song after song.

I wish there was at least one person who could understand me. I Wished and wished and wished until i closed my little eyes to rest.

What's left installed for me tomorrow?

"Misery" I answered.

thunder.

2009-01-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

I was gonna hit the "publish now" button. When something hit my head like lightning. So quickly i changed the entry and made it to this:

James is someone from my past. He loved me yeah. I loved him too. I made him wait.He did wait for me. I made the mistake not him. I know i did hurt him. But he moved on already. He already found someone who'd love him more than i did. Someone who loves him and wont make him wait. I did too. I moved on. I like someone else too. Someone who'll keep his promises. Someone who'll keep the waiting promise.

We thought we could last for a a life time. But we thought wrong. Everyone knew about us. When someone says "It's Larainne." They say "Oh. James' girl?". And they say the same thing when they say his name. They'll say his mine. I met his sister. I was the girl her brother waited for she kept on emphasizing that part.. She says his brother's obsessed with me which i don't believe.

I don't wanna site things we'd say and do for each other any further. Its time to erase his memories in me. I need to forget bout him. The liking and the loving. The time when he used to buy me ice cream. How he used to act when he shows that he's jealous coz' i told him JOE JONAS is the most handsome guy in the world.

Every thing's just pure part of HISTORY. Time to move on. Time to take a bow.

To begin with.

2009-01-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

So you're about to know who i really am. My name's Larianne. I used to be a girl who was ignored way back when i was in 5th Grade. But now that i met a bunch of new friends. Ignored? not anymore. I met friends like Karlo, Elaine, Jasmine and Kamilla.

But before i had finally had these amazing people, i had someone who understood me and loved me for who i was. We never really met personally. Who is he? He's James, someone who up to now is the very exact person who i cant move on too. I just dont know why. There's just something about him. It's as if he went to a witch to cast spells on me and that bitchy witch may accidently forgot to tell James that the spell would last a lifetime. It's kinda long story, yah know? haha. There's too many highlights.

I'll start tomorrow. alright?